Today, I had the wonderful opportunity to “explore” the different types of art at Citrus College. I signed up for photography and was hoping to do workshops where we the participants worked with equipment or make some pictures ourselves but to my dismay all we did was sit around and listened to the instructors talking about how the art programs were so good at Citrus. It was a bummer but I did get the delicacy to observe the students working on their projects. I realized they all made great works but referenced different artists in order to produce something of the same nature. It was fascinating to watch people work because you can truly see them engaging on their masterpieces, analyzing every nook and cranny of their work and picturing what it could be (or what it could have been). I also got a little inspiration myself, taking pictures of other people's works to reference and use in my own ceramic projects (it’s not stealing if they did the same to other famous artists). Other than that, I had time to reflect, in the restroom, what I wanted to do with my life. That has been the theme of today and a past war reemerged into my mind when my mom talked to me about being realistic with my career choices. It really sucks being told to find passion in my studies when what I want to study is shunned upon. There really isn’t support and I know I tried to fight those thoughts and secretly work on my true passions but I find it difficult when I know my parents would no longer support me. Actually, I don’t mind them not supporting me. I fear them yelling at me. I know there will be a dramatic talk with them. I know that I will lose sight of who we were as a family. I know it would no longer be important to me once I put my mind to what I want to do. If there was another way. I’m trying to convince myself this personal struggle is a trial but really my lack of confidence and decision is grating my head like cheese and the more time passes the more I feel like I lose faith and color. I was told I was special while at the same time I was “one out of a million.” I suppose determining my own value is fruitless when I was already told that I can do great things with my abilities. What is truth and what is fake? I guess my ability to follow through with my decision will ultimately decide both.
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I found great it very difficult to do this particular assignment because it was all business. There was no room for risks and sleazy introductions. I had to make a resume and letter of introduction and, in addition, ask someone who “knew” my character to write a letter of reference for me. I benefited greatly from making them but I am troubled because I do not know if what I provided was sufficient. I asked my father to help and we had a long talk about employment, formal presentations, and interviews. He offered to show his resumes and letters but we never got the chance since he is a graveyard dog and is never awake to help me. He needs the rest anyways. But still, my weakness has been revealed as I am totally unprepared for presenting myself to the workforce. I am too timid when it comes to service and find it nerve racking when I am being judged in that sort of way. Because of this experience, I am planning to add this on my to-do list during summer vacation.
After coming home from school, I started my assignment by cleaning out all my junk and reorganizing things to their proper places. I had a lot of fun and all, there was this malodorous sensation of disorder that bothered me for days on and I found it difficult to study as the clutter was too much of an issue than it should have been. It was refreshing and as I was Mr. Cleaning my room, letting the fresh air come by and take out the odor in my room. Learning more about how my mind functions has become an interest for me and every time I do these mini projects throughout the week I feel as if I have more control over my psyche. These kind of activities have prepared me more for college and I am hoping to grow more and more so that when I face adversity I will not flinch or falter because I would be ready for the impact before it arrived.
My friend and I had a fever and both complained in our group chat about how much we were suffering. And there is always a solution to everything so I asked my mom what I could do in order to ease my PAIN. She taught me how to make this hot ginger drink that Vietnamese people make when they are sick. The ingredients are simple, just ginger, sugar, and hot water. Alongside her, I made my own brew and wanted to share my findings with my other friend but sent it to my group chat so that they can make this simple beverage whenever they are ill. It really does help because my congestion cleared and I was warm as heck with my layers of blankets. I shared what I learned to my friends in the event they wanted to try this out themselves but considering teenagers, good ideas to them flutter away like butterflies. They aren’t there forever. They are there for ephemeral admiration. Nonetheless it is still in our group chat!
Oh man. It was a long day today. Where do I begin? The poster. It was for the Writers’ Syndicate and we were working on a poster to present to people at the expo. We had fun procrastinating and rushing the poster at the end. It still worked out and it looked good (though I would have personally wished to see more details put on it). Since moving to the new house, things have been difficult, especially my club-life. Everything is restrained and I am thinking about home while living in the moment at school talking about future fundraising and events. And it was chaotic when the expo started. I was stationed at the Writers’ Syndicate booth but noticed that the LEAP club’s booth was empty. So I manned two stations until both booths were filled with representatives and there was a fine equilibrium. One of my favorite achievements was speaking in spanish to this lady! She was “Oh, no puedo hablar en ingles mas” and I talked to her (to the best of my abilities) what the LEAP club did and what we planned to do. It was a good amount of work that had to be done. But I did it! I freaking manned two clubs at once and even got a hold of a school board member’s number so we can collaborate on upcoming beach clean-up activities. I guess what really improved was my ability to speak and improvise in front of people and maintain that formula. I was able to keep eye contact with people and made them my slave when I asked them “Hey! Are you interested in so-and-so club?” which they would answer “yes” no doubtedly. This was not for them. They were not interested in my clubs’ goals or what we had to offer. They just wanted to go. So, like they used us, I’ll use them. For my personal growth and gain.
All these photos were approved by every person who was in it. My English teacher told me music had the power to control our emotions, informing me that it uses many rhetorical devices to project their message and emotions on us their audience. We did this during class by throwing all our “happy”, “peaceful”, and “working out” songs. Though it was a great idea, the songs I listened to (after taking a photo of them all and playing each of them out) were not as great and moving because they were not my taste. So, I devised my own. I remember when I was young my dad use to blast (like BLAST) rap songs like Eminem and Notorious B.I.G. I loved those songs so I created a “F I G H T M E” playlist because I felt slick and proud whenever I listened to these kind of songs. It helps me work with a motivation that’s not my own. I made another called “Thinking and Feeling” which were songs I recalled made me feel empowered every time I heard them. It still works for me as a playlist to work to because I feel like I am being pushed by the songs and I love the feeling when I get work done in this fashion. The last two were my relaxing playlists which I genuinely enjoyed to listen to and made my heart dance: “Techy” and “Wakes Me Up Man”. To be honest, all of the following playlists are my working songs because they keep my mind positive and energetic and it has been great working around the moody blues. I even took other people's’ playlist, listening to live streams from LoFi and compiled instrumental songs that I loved to hear. It doesn’t feel like I can be down and when I am I always have my pool of happiness and positivity to keep me afloat and prioritize better.
Some nights I find it useless to sleep for the next day. The past day was never fulfilled and I am left craving for something more. That’s when I found this app called Mirakee. I discovered it during my (very rare) trips around Instagram and started using it around December. I didn’t think I would commit to it but I have found myself enjoying writing poems. Most of the time they are just full of rhymes but they please me as they expressed what I felt and the words came naturally. It was a productive way for me to pass time as well as reflect on the past, present, and future. It’s nice but I know I want to improve on my poems because they do not suffice. The words, the similes, metaphors, imagery: they aren’t original and do not stand out. I learned that other writers write about misery and pain and I really hate that kind of stuff. But the words we all use. They are the same. None of it is special when we are singing the same song. What is special? I suppose expressing emotions is lame when anyone can do it. I know I have to learn to experience more by looking at my world with longing and desire. With starvation. I can’t accept my current place because it is full of people who wished for fame. But I don't’t want fame. Or at least pure fame. I want to grow and show the world what I have to say. In an insightful manner. In a manner that shows that I have grown up with wisdom in my jaded eyes. That’s what I want. That’s when I can say I am a writer.
I had to do an assignment in my ceramics class and we had to examine the art of any artist in this world. Any. I hated doing research on old stuff and then I remembered the guy I stalked (or still stalk) on Tumblr as he is considered an artist. He makes content every week and it is enjoyable to look at his art and read his poems. I have personal contact with this guy and I get flustered at times when he contacts me back. I had the PLEASURE to interview Shane and we talked about a particular work of his; aspects such as authorial intent, elements of art, etc. It lasted for only fifthteen minutes but it was very interesting to not only talk to Shane but to also learn about the styles of art. I think I became more knowledgeable in the arts as I had to write an essay (which was about six pages long) about his particular work, treating it like an IB Literature paper. It makes me think more about art: how far am I to using solely my mind to make an image on paper and how long will it be until I obtain such creativity? I know it takes time and that I won’t be a great drawer immediately. It just sucks waiting for something under my control. It makes me feel less in control. All part of the trial of patience I suppose.
Ever since my uncle moved in to our new house, I had the responsibility of taking care of their two children. At least one of them can walk and feed herself but the other, her sister, is not even one. But she isn’t too much of a pain. I took care of many children and I feel a sense of malice whenever family’s leave their child with me and I can’t do anything I want to do. But it’s nice when they sit silently and just stare at me. For this one, her name’s Faustina, an interesting name taken from that of a historical saint, she just sits there and stares at me and tries to pull at my eyes or my lips or my hair. I know that children learn better when their parents talk to them, and since this one doesn’t have access to her parents until night, I talk to her. Not in the goo-goo kind of way. Whenever she cries, I tell her “Man life’s hard ain’t it? Do you go to school or pay taxes?” and I go on and on until she stops crying and looks at me with confusion. I don’t use my phone. I pay attention to children. Though I am not too excited about making this part of my routine, I still earn some sort of degree of patience. Children are valuable, though I don’t express that sentiment in my actions enough. They have so much potential and as I reflect on the past children who forgot about me and turned out to be a spoiled brat, I wonder if I tried my best. How can I make their situations better in this family of destruction and divorces? Since she lives in the same household as I, I think things will be better this time. This time, these children will be educated and learn the values I learned when I was a child. Hopefully I can pull it off. Who knows.
I have been feeling a terrible emotion of boredom. So much so I must talk to the school psychiatrist about my lack of motivation and bland lifestyle. I really needed change. And I am made some. I want to learn how to draw but I do not have space in my schedule to fit the class in. So I tried to talk to the art teacher at my school during lunch and I guess I appealed to her as she gave me two tools I could use in my drawings: a shading tool and a pliable eraser. At first, I learned geometrical shapes and the nature of light on my own. Then I started doing my own projects, drawing things in my room and relaxing by drawing things off the internet. I started to draw the cats I saw on the streets and hang out with. Ever since my personal pursuit, I’ve seen things in an artistic kind of way, looking at my surroundings and playing around with them in my mind. How would it all seem in black and white? What style could I use to make it seem different? It’s really fun to learn something like this. I feel as if I am unlocking some talent many people COULD possess but choose not to. Because it is not their talent. It’s not their interest in my opinion. But it’s mine. I dream of what I could do if I mastered the basics. I want to, on my free time, draw comics or draw for fun. In the future. For now I’m just developing.
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AuthorVictor Duong is a high school junior currently enrolled in the IB program. He is part of the first generation of IB students at Azusa High School and is posting reflections of his CAS activities on this site. Archives
March 2018
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